Thank You, Mr. Pusher Man!

Posted on September 24, 2009

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One thing society tends to take for granted is  drug dealers. Therefore, I hereby declare today

DRUG DEALER APPRECIATION DAY.

(Relax; it’s just fiction…)

Drug dealers. Call them a menace if you like, but face it America; you get high. You need them…or someone you know and love does.  They play a critical role in the communities they live in. They never force us to buy anything. Chris Rock said it best: “Drug dealers don’t sell drugs, drug dealers OFFER drugs.” They do all the work, risking injury and arrest to ensure that your order is fulfilled when you’re ready for it. Obviously, they are in it for the money. Isn’t that why we all work? Get high-and-mighty if you like; “they sell drugs so they don’t have to get real jobs and work,” right? Tell that to the C.I.A. mules bringing the coke and heroin in (is it ok for them because _they_ get government paychecks for doing so?)  Unless you’ve ever brokered illicit substances to pay the bills, shut up; you are not qualified to comment. It IS work. Dealers network hard to find a solid supply chain, usually with several different connects. Suppliers are typically crooks, because they have so much on tap to begin with. They KNOW you want what they’ve got. Your dealer will negotiate, comparative shop, and rub shoulders with some really shady people so you don’t have to. At this time, they also place any special or exotic requests YOU may have. Next, they get to pay for the initial reup (read: your shit) out of their own pockets (who has ever said hey, here’s a hundred bucks; could you just hang onto that, and get me a hundred when you can?) They go out of pocket for you, and you get them back later. Once they score, it’s time to prep. They weigh (or count,) groom, bag, and plan where everything is going. I’m told that this process can be pretty time-consuming, depending on the quantity they have to work with. Then it’s time to advertise. That means either risking getting caught in a wiretap by calling you, or a felony traffic stop by coming to see you in person (called “making a run.”) To help them out, use common sense and codes when on the phone. This goes DOUBLE for text messages. (If you ever say dime bag, ounce, quarter, or anything similar during a call, the dealer is justified in “checking” you during the next face-to-face encounter.) They have to be willing to field your phone calls and requests 24/7. You interrupt their personal time and family activities. Only dealers who are in it for fun set 9-5 hours. In an effort to scratch every possible itch a client may have, a true hustler will take paper anywhere possible, at any time. Code word: MAKE THAT MONEY. Pricing is set, based on a variety of factors. It’s a formula:

Initial investment+time used+rarity of product+quantity ordered+quality vs.going rate for said quality product+delivery, divided by 28= YOUR PRICE.

(I should put that on a T-shirt & sell a million.)

Good dealers might implement a loyalty bonus program. Over time, you may receive a $5 rebate or something similar (discounts on hydro, etc.) Sometimes a “pain-in-the-ass tax” is applied if there was a problem in the initial acquisition, if their price rose, or if you call them for a status report more that TWO times on the day of a sale. Do not bug them; they did not forget about you…they sometimes have to sit on hold, too. Also, tipping is not expected, but is always appreciated. It lets your guy know that you appreciate him bending that corner for you. Average purchases (besides loose pills,) typically move up in $5 increments. If you can spare the cash, round up just a little when you pay; this ensures that everyone leaves the transaction happy. (Oh, and if weed is your flavor, throw a few bucks to any dealer you ask to roll something up for you. You’re asking him to risk tongue cancer later in life, because he rolls better blunts than you? Pay the man! Once he sells out, your man must spend most of his profits to make the purchase again. This is known as “re-ing up” He’s buying this one because he knows you will be calling him again at the start of the next week (or sooner) for more. His money is always tied up, so YOU never go without. He doesn’t just EARN money like you and I. Dealers have to make their money TWICE, essentially working twice as hard. If a dealer is gracious enough to extend you a front, pay him back in a timely fashion, as you may be holding up his next reup. Some dealers have lost close, dear friends over simple $20 fronts going unpaid. Shame. Unless they are moving Larry Love or another high-ticket item, these brave souls must repeat this process many, many times to stack away any real money. Droughts, high-profile busts, changing suppliers, and gas prices all can drive your dealer’s operating costs up. The difference is coming out of their pocket. Don’t bitch at them if they increase your price slightly….mention it once, and let it go. You can always go find another source if you are unhappy with yours. Same if quality isn’t up to your high standards. Unless you are a complete stranger, they DO feel guilt about “raping” you on price. Try to remember that these people are still doing you a favor; delivering goods that you were either unwilling or unable to procure for yourself. NEVER EVER comment that a bag is, or even looks short without laying it on a digital scale (with fresh batteries) first. This is the cardinal sin. They may (and should) get offended enough to cut you off forever, especially if you are wrong. If you place an order, make your purchase even if you don’t like it. This person risked a lot to complete his half of the agreement, and you WILL fulfill yours. This can get you killed in some places. There is NO such thing as window shopping or returns in the dope game. The phrase “you get what you pay for” usually applies. If your order is more that 1 gram short, you may call and ask why. If the ounce you just ordered is a full 1/8th short, most likely, it was intentional. At that point, you will know your guy is grimy; take it as a life lesson and find it elsewhere. When you do cry wolf, it’s a serious thing. Your dealer will inventory his bomb, check the batteries in his scale, tear into his delivery person (if he used one,) and he WILL know if you’re lying or not. You have a limited number of WOLF cries (usually one) before your credibility takes a hit, and you probably get cut off. Weigh your shit twice before registering a complaint (and BEFORE you roll your first blunt!) Good dealers will pull their seeds and large stems (if you happen to be buying reefer) right after they weigh the initial bomb. They expect to lose up to a gram of product to this process. Again, they swallow the loss. Don’t bitch if you happen to find _a_ seed or small stem…quality varies, and it probably didn’t add much to the weight of your bag anyway. If buying pills, top dealers tell me it’s best to know what you’re looking for. If you try buying Vicodin on the street, know what they look like. If you fuck yourself up eating lithium or estrogen pills, it’s your fault for playing a game you don’t know the rules to. This is especially true if you plan on re-selling what you are buying. You may only catch a beat-down for passing off phony pills, worst case; you end up facing a manslaughter charge if your buyer ends up dying from it. Know the rules or don’t play at all. Heavy drug enforcement and our shit economy ensure that there is always going to be someone selling bunk (or trying to.) Make no mistake, the enriched flour trade is booming right now. Sample before you buy, if possible, and only place orders with someone you know and trust (and can find later if need be.) Be leery of anyone who wants you to front cash, or a dealer who seems to have a little bit of everything. Dope peddlers are good about keeping their activity clean. If your guy has 20 different hustles going, he’s bound to slip up on at least one of them. He could even still be working after getting busted, with law enforcements hooks in him. He just needs to be able to let them know who you are or what you drive, and his heat goes away. Also, don’t trust people who don’t use slang. If someone ever asks you for “some cocaine,” check him for a wire, walk away, or just to be safe, shoot him in the face…your choice, your consequences.

So here’s to you, Mr. Dope man….keep on pushing! Thank you for making our parties, concerts, and Thanksgiving dinners better. Keep building your empire, $20 at a time…

-KZ

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