Out of Africa

Posted on October 26, 2009

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Stay out of Africa!

Besides the beautiful scenery, I can see no good reason to ever travel to Africa. Sure, it’d be cool to have an elephant specially trained to destroy my enemies; but why risk AIDS, malaria, and the Plague when I could just get one shipped stateside for the cost of my plane ticket?elephantFactor in civil wars, regional conflicts, lawlessness, corrupt officials, and it just doesn’t seem worth it.africa mapI’ll be brutally honest; if I ever went to Africa, I would try like hell to buy and smuggle diamonds out. Conflict diamonds? I say discount diamonds. If people working in diamond mines put up with dictators who create slave-like conditions, that is their choice. Quit, flee, or kill your oppressors. Many Americans make minimum wage for shit jobs with similar circumstances; we have the same options. Just be prepared to live (or die) with the consequences. blood diamondsWhy should I feel guilty about wearing blood diamonds? You want to guilt somebody, how about the people who can afford legit diamonds; spending enough on fashion to feed an African village for a year? I’ll take a deal where I can find one; that’s the American way.piratesOh yeah….Africa has pirates, too. These guys are generations poor, so they steal ships, and ransom crews back to their employers. The going rates on some of these ransoms are usually in the millions. Pirates, you’re greedy. I understand overcoming poverty; do what you have to do to survive. If you just successfully pulled one ship for $3 million (even split 11 ways,) in Africa’s economy, you’re RICH! Hit one ship and RETIRE. Thanks to network news, every navy the world is on to you; retire. Why take bullets from an overzealous Navy Seal if you already have enough to live comfortably? Get in, get out.yakAnother bad thing about Africa is its animals. While large and exotic, they are DANGEROUS. Bison, lions, hyenas, snakes, crocks….check out that shit here in a zoo. Even the mosquitoes in Africa are lethal. Why the dick-measuring contest to observe and kill the biggest animals? Oh, I forgot; that’s the other American way. Ugh.lion(“Mmmmmm……white meat.” “Tastes like a rich, fat tourist to me!”)

If you want a somber reminder of the shit that awaits you in Africa, go see “Lord of War” with Nicholas Cage; bodies laying in the streets, vultures, senseless killing, disease, etc. You think America has a serious gun problem? Bounce on over to Africa where 10-year-olds with Kalashnikovs are able to rob you at the airport. AKAmerica’s gun control laws are those of Nazi Germany next to Africa. U.S. news outlets have no control over Africa’s gun policy, so they try to scare you about ours. Look around, people; this shit is happening everywhere. You can forget about getting laid in Africa, too; AIDS is rampant.africaAIDSAmericans get all the blame when it comes to carjacking. Why? Because it’s a convenient crime; point a gun, yell a command, and get a new car to drive or sell. Instant payoff; not like insider trading or stealing paintings. It’s so bad in Africa, that one company even created car-mounted flamethrowers to combat carjackers. jackingIf you were going to be jacked for your brand new Range Rover, do you think it would be easier to get it back (and bring the thieves to justice) in America or Africa? Keep your toys at home.snatchedLet’s not forget that Africa is a huge, lawless continent. You can get dragged off by any number of people, for any number of reasons. What is your recourse? Tell? Report it? Bitch, please. Chances are the local cops were involved. Even if you managed to complain to an American Embassy; you are not important enough to warrant an international incident. I hate that America has become such a nosey surveillance state; but at least if you disappeared, the two detectives from Law & Order could piece together where you went in under an hour.viagraAfricaYou thought the drug scene was happening here in the States? Try Africa’s. (Reference the drug “brown brown” in Lord of War; cocaine mixed with gunpowder.) Here, we have the FDA safety-testing drugs; I wonder exactly what African Viagra does to a person…traditionLady, with that sign, you just set women back 1000 years. There’s a difference between “tradition” and self-defeat.

“I’m like, going to Africa.”coke africaI’m sure she’ll fit in. Go out to the club alone late at night. Expect free drinks and nothing more. I’m sure a tribe of men will welcome you accordingly. Just be sure to take that self-involved, ‘too-important-for-anything’ attitude and cocaine with you, too. Besides AIDS-infested rapists and killers, you know Africa has a thriving cannibal population, right?

-KZ

 

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