C.S.I: Sea World

Posted on October 27, 2009

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sea1Stupid seal. Swimming around, looking all delicious; it was his own fault, really. It was the perfect crime. The attack happened in the middle of the ocean; where forensic evidence quickly washes away and there are a lot of killers to pin it on.sea2The first suspect was this lady. She fits the description of the whale, has knowledge of marine biology, and had access to the crime scene. She was cleared however, when detectives saw how nice she was to these birds; and her Sea World timecard indicated that she was stuck at work at the time of the attack.sea3This trainer was spotted nearby. She is a known accomplice of several killer whales. She may have been complicit in the crime, but the surveillance photo of the attack did not show her. Sea World management has allegedly disciplined her several times; once in 1984 for zapping corralled dolphins with a cattle prod; charges are pending.sea4Police discovered these blood-stained polar bears in the park. Local media rushed to judgment and incorrectly reported that the bears had been caught “red-handed.” Intense interrogations and DNA testing revealed that the bears did not murder the seal, but they do like fish. The news outlet has yet to issue a retraction. The search for the killer continues.sea5This just in: A correction from a story we told you about last night. James the polar bear and his family were cleared as suspects in the murder of a local seal. We incorrectly reported that they were in fact the killers. While James and his family have admitted that they like fish, police tell us they were securely locked in their habitat eating other animals; and could not have committed that crime. We apologize for the mix-up, and will continue to bring you more of this story as it develops. –The Newssea6Wait, Sea World doesn’t even have sharks. Well, they should. The shark is such a bad ass, he is beyond prosecution; a cold-blooded killer. Sharks are aggressive and never surrender; they almost ALWAYS prefer death to jail. This Great White is so brazen; he even stops to smile at the camera while he devours a lesser animal. Good for him.sea7Yep, it was definitely this guy. Well, I hope they pin it on this guy. Despite a killer whale clearly being photographed committing the murder, this guy confessed. He named names, implicated coworkers, and led authorities to a dead seal. Poor police work, incompetent legal representation, and an overzealous prosecutor were enough to put him away for a long time; or at least earn him a hefty fine. His pool boy, too.

-KZ

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