In Honor of the AK-47

Posted on October 27, 2009


“AK-47” The design that started it all:chopperDesigned for the Russian military by 

General Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov:



A.K.A “The Russian Jay-Z”


When making any decision in life, first ask yourself,

“What Would Jigga Do?” his business successes include:



Factor in the HP commercials, too. Big Hov makes $80 million+ anually and vacations overseas with Beyonce; trust his judgement. If Jay had released Roca Pads, they would have sold.

Uncle Mikhail also:

… has made a comfortable living putting his name to products including umbrellas, penknives, watches and two brands of vodka. Most recently, Russia’s biggest carmaker announced plans to produce an armored military jeep version of the Lada — to be called the Kalashnikov.” Let’s take a look:

Kalasknikov watches:akwizzachWatches are like every other item in a man’s life; it’s not about having the best one, it’s about having the right one. I have been saving up for two years now; hoping to one day cop a Rolex Submariner (which I’ve priced locally for about $4,000, but knew a guy who paid $5,000.) on my measly writer’s income, that thing would take a few years to obtain; not a very realistic goal. This watch is one of the most frivolous things that I simply must have. It’s a unique souvenir for the gun-nut with no kids to support.  $400 is not bad; and this model actually sits at the higher-end of the Kalashnikov watch price spectrum. I can have anything I want in life, if I’m willing to apply enough time, money, and effort to its pursuit. From machineguns and exotic cars, to rare species and cancer cures. What’s important to you?

Kalashnikov knives:  ak knifeThese are quite tasteful, but expensive.  ($199 pictured)

 AK Vodkas:akbottleThe harder-to-find vodka with the cool bottle. I smell Russian mob finding a way to profit from this; either directly or indirectly. The empty bottle alone would be a bootlegger/independent distiller’s wet dream.

  “It’s worth 4000 rubel, which is about 120€”


akdrink41%. That’s manly. Like the makers were all shit-faced while making it, maybe got the percentages off by just a little…

“Who gives a shit, comrade….bottle it.”

Here’s $11.99 for just the empty bottle….lebronAKIt does have a fucking awesome logo. If Nike ever introduced the Lebron James-inspired “King of AK” rifle, that would be the logo stamped on its receiver:aklogoThen there are the over-priced Chinese knock-off’s:

AK-47 Vodka 500ml

qwongFOB Price: US$ 60 China Shandong, China? They ought to call that shit “Norinco.”

What’s that? “Who gives a shit?” “Mikhail who?” Just a reminder of the technological advance we’re celebrating here:ak pistolakdrumak kit

War machines, baby.

Then you had this:



Sprinkled with a little bit of that:


I know; I don’t like seeing this happen, either. (No disrespect intended; just recounting history.)

Don’t forget about that lady…thoroughly PWNED.lady hit

Man, you guys had brass ones that day…capture(Note: Don’t bother e-mailing me and bitch if you were somehow “affected” by this incident. The only people who died that day were the two guys who decided to take a chance, and eventually go out loony. Even if you were one of the other people wounded; you lived, got a fat victim’s assistance check, pain killers, and probably a book deal in your [previously dull] life. Maybe some face time with Oprah, too. Boo-hoo. Sorry, but shit happens; every day.) Bank robbery and shooting at police are both already illegal. Blame criminals, not the brand of tool they use. If an inexperienced mechanic destroys my car, I don’t sue Craftsman. I certainly don’t seek to re-write legislation regarding the way Home Depot sells and markets potentially dangerous “power” tools. To do so would make me a weak-minded, handout-seeking (and/or agenda-furthering) shill. Next time somebody asks you the question:

“Why would anybody really need (or support the right to own)an “AK-47?”

Think back to this image:jackmoveIt’s a scary thing.

All people have the desire to fight back when attacked or provoked. It’s instinct. The U.S. Constitution simply safeguards our ability to have the means available, should we choose to fight back when attacked. Soccer moms, who seek to copy-and-paste the Bill of Rights on mere emotion, have no right invoking the Second Amendment. While unfortunate, mass-shootings and gun accidents are social problems. They are crime problems; bastard sons of poverty and ignorance. Guns save lives, and unfortunately, they do take a few. I liken it to the rare breed that accidentally overdoses on aspirin. Guns are here for the greater good, but statistically, someone will misuse them, causing hurt or trouble. No matter what recent tragedy CNN may currently be rehashing…who the hell are you to remove MY defensive means? In essence, you seek to force ME to hand over my wallet next time. That would make you complicit in the crime. Who asked for your flawed opinion in the first place?) Sheep.sheepFor some, the urge to attack a robber surfaces once they get a good look at him.dc-9As he’s pointing that well-worn DC-9 around the room, a victim will realize that he’s just some skinny, punk local kid. The situation changes for them. It appears he’s nervous; jittery even. That gun is way too big and heavy for him. “Look at him waving that Tec wildly…he’s straining just to keep it out at arm’s length (and face level) for three minutes. I can take this bitch.” They go for a weapon of their own or simply make a move on the thief.hsbuddy“Hey man, didn’t we graduate from the same high school? Dude, we had gym together! You were like, two grades behind me!”

Up close, he kind of looks…human. If you had been introduced two weeks prior (and he hadn’t randomly picked you to try robbing,) the two of you probably would have gotten along. The problem is that the cow is already out of the barn. He has verbally indicated that if you yell/move/take too long/look at him/hold out on the cash, he’ll have to make good on his previous threat of shooting you in the face. He can’t let you get away with saying no or he may as well put his gun away. You’ve put him in an awkward spot by requesting proof that he’s willing to assault you. If he really just wants money and no trouble, his response will only be a swung pistol slapped hard across your forehead. If he’s already on the run, flat-out crazy, or running short of time: BAM! Everything you have ever worked for is gone. Everyone you have ever known is devastated. You no longer get to exist because you didn’t deem it necessary to have your personal weapon with you. A nail file kept handy in your purse could have saved you, and rehabilitated a career criminal.

Some people freeze. They are typically without a personal weapon at the time, and figure it easier to simply give it up and cancel the credit cards later. They pass the buck by paying their way out of danger and letting the next guy deal with this menace. A lot of these same people stumble around oblivious, paying no mind to the world beyond their own issues and distractions.


An armed society is a polite society; and a Bluetooth society is a vulnerable one.

Others get pissed. They burn up with anger and offense: “How dare you?” They fight back. They decide in a split-second, that given what’s about to happen, being the first to inflict great bodily harm is the only logical course of action. People tend to forget that violent crime can happen anywhere:

The bank in the front of your local Wal-Mart:walRobThe corner gas station by your home:GSrobLocal fast food joints:BKrobAny time,bnkrobany place;RobBPany.shadycatViolent crime can happen anywhere you go.


Ok…that one was a joke. These were not:



Why not be prepared for it?

In the year 20++, owning a firearm or other “personal weapon” is a must. It is much more important than simply alarming your house and carrying a cell phone. Do those things; but do not come up empty handed when the randomness of violent crime does finally notice you. It doesn’t even have to be a gun. Keep whatever your comfort and threat levels warrant. Times are tough. The average cat becomes a thief, the thief becomes a robber, and a robber (who never even thought he was capable of doing so,) becomes a killer. It is the natural order of mankind during periods of financial crisis. Your Government has fucked you into a submissive state. You are made to feel criminal and guilty for defending yourself. Official policy is to give it up, report them, and hope you don’t die. Don’t let anybody take anything from you.

Be the 1% that career criminal’s worry about.





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