Summer’s Eve Douche Awards 2009

Posted on October 27, 2009

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Douche Patrol

Even though it’s hilarious to call a deserving woman an asshole, I guess she technically qualifies as a douche bag. She has plenty of company out there, too:

People who have a rubber nut sack hanging from their vehicles:dbag1 This has become really common now. How crass. Where is the NASCAR sticker on that truck? Perhaps an outdated Calvin and Hobbes pissing on the logo of something you dislike? Grow up, douche; it isn’t funny or classy. It reaffirms the negative things we already think about you.dbag2Oh my goodness…I can smell the vinegar in this scenario; a bunch of over-privileged high school kids who have managed not to get carded yet at spring break. They no doubt post up in the corner all night, acting entitled to drunken women they encounter. These mega douches only fight in groups, and cry in jail if arrested for it. They have down the swagger of powerful gangsters, but for no reason whatsoever. They’re not from the ghetto, sell dime bags (at best,) and have mothers and fathers who love them very much. They should just go home to the gated community, wash their Acuras, and be thankful for their suburban upbringing. You guys are pure douche.dbag3Urban cowboys: These rugged douche bags wear cowboy hats (especially ones emblazoned with beer company logos) despite spending all of their lives on pavement. This is the same kind of douche that drives a Jeep in the city. This moronic breed commonly exhibits the same traits; pretending to be deep, feigning mediocre acoustic guitar skills, and wearing beaded jewelry. The more hardcore urban cowboy may have a Sublime sticker on their Jeep, but most listen to The Dave Matthews Band. These guys suck immensely, and should probably be put out of their misery for society’s sake. Ugh.dbag4Old guys can be urban cowboys, too. These dudes seem to wear their hats on city streets for a different reason. The guy above is a douche trying to make a statement; the old guy below just doesn’t know how to dress. Although he too tries to be deep (by wearing a Native American-themed shirt,) it’s probably just because that’s the design his wife picked out for him on their last RV road trip to The Grand Canyon. Guys like this tend to make young women uncomfortable with gazing stares and dry pick-up lines. Go back to the casino and take off that ridiculous hat before your buffet dinner, Hank Hill. I can’t imagine how big a douche you must have been as a teenager.dbag5Sigh… (shakes head) I could go on and on about what all is wrong with this extreme douche bag, but someone else has taken the liberty of pointing out his exaggerated features for me. He’s blown a LOT of his parent’s money to create this look, and he’d appreciate a comment about it. This dude instantly puffs up when there are other guys around. I’m unclear whether it’s a defense mechanism or if it’s that he’s sexually aroused. He’s a douche; his parents think he’s a douche. So does everybody else he encounters in the course of any given day. Hang it up; you are both average and predictable, despite your best efforts.dbag6Which brings us to this jerk-off: We’ve all seen people like this. He isn’t quite sure if he’s a thug, a preppy, a sensitive guy, a street racer, or a college student. Chances are he was too insecure to tilt that hat when he first walked in. He assessed the room, didn’t see any major threats, and decided to sell himself to the crowd as a tough guy; but his “pussy pink” polo gives him away. If someone raises the issue, he’s already mentally prepared the argument. “It’s salmon, not pink.” He’ll also explain that he’s comfortable enough with his own heterosexuality to wear pink; then he’ll quickly try to change the subject, even offering to buy the person a drink. His face screams “I’m unsure of myself.” He has a tattoo, but just so he can say that he does, should the topic arise throughout the night. It’s a design he no doubt picked out of a flash book somewhere (literal translation: Stupid American Douche.) The Lance Armstrong bracelet only confirms that he’s a slave to trends in his never-ending quest for his peers’ approval. Jackass, you make me want to spit Hennessy in your face. I feel kind of bad for you, so I’ll let some wasted biker in the club do it, instead. Seek therapy.dbag7Really, most dudes that shop at American Eagle, Aeropostale or Old Navy run the risk of being a douche. I’m not talking about picking up a pair of jeans or a shirt every now and then, in the course of a regular shopping trip. I mean guys who reinforce their wardrobes with nothing but cargos, board shorts, flip-flops, $50 jeans with worn-out knees, or t-shirts with faded ‘vintage’ logos. You don’t surf, and you are not “outdoorsy” enough to have broken your clothes in that far; you’re a poseur….and a DOUCHE BAG. dbag8Same thing goes for 18-22 year-olds who constantly wear hoodies carrying the logo of any of these stores. You’re not a 14-year-old girl anymore; change up to Nike or better. You obviously don’t have a problem wearing a logo (you fucking corporate tool.) A plain-colored hoodie is still better than one with GAP printed on it. Accept it. Now go over to the food court, have a good cry, return that bullshit, and change your approach.dbag9Jacked-up dudes like this are ALWAYS douche bags, even if they are actually pretty friendly or seem to have women around. These women are only around because they figure that if a guy is that loud and obnoxious, he must have something to be confident about. They have a way of figuring things out, though. They soon know as well as he does, that any sexual encounter with him that they consent to would end abruptly and with explanations. Performance anxiety, whiskey dick, steroid-shrunken testicles; any numbers of reasons are waiting to expose this guy for what he really is: a big-time douche bag. This guy is clearly uncreative, dumb, and probably disliked by the end of any party he attends. He tells himself that a ripped set of abs (from the steroids) and a gruff, smoker’s voice will more than make up for it. Pal, you are a douche; and you look like you’re unable to control your temper when provoked or humiliated. Average and predictable; go drown yourself in the hot tub, you DOUCHE!dbag10Captain Dynabol is this year’s runner-up for the 1st Annual Summer’s Eve Douche award. It was a tight race, but someone else got the nod. The award for this year’s Summer’s Eve Douche Award goes to:

K-FED!!!dbag12(…and flash to image of K-Fed wrestling with a sweaty dude and adjusting the resulting erection…)dbag13Yes, ladies and gentlemen…Kevin Federline! Congratulations, you fucking douche bag!  Come on up here…you deserve this award more than anybody else here tonight. dbag14Between the flop hip-hop career, your 15 minutes of fame expiring, and that photo of Brittney’s battered roast beef we’ve all seen on the Internet… dbag11Go ahead and pour your cranberry juice into your $20 pimp cup from Spencer Gifts. Then go eat your bodyguard’s gun, you barnacle. You are an itchy red spot on the taint of society.

-KZ

 

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