Cool Guys!

Posted on October 28, 2009

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Cool Guys

American culture is full of extremely cool people. Some are real; others are fictional characters.

Here are a few worthy of honorable mention:

Mike Tysoncool1Of NES “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” fame, this former heavyweight world champion has seen and done it all. He married Robin Givens; then beat the shit out of her. Tyson has been in and out pf prison on charges ranging from assault to rape. A tortured soul, nothing seems to be able to keep Mike down (except himself.) He shocked us all when he got part of an African tribal mask tattooed on his face. Iron Mike’s daughter recently died in an unfortunate treadmill accident in the home. He remarried the next week. Tyson gives hope to angry thugs everywhere. 

Ward Cleavercool2Played by Hugh Beaumont, this man-of-the-house kept his shit on lock. He was almost certainly responsible for his son being nicknamed “Beaver.” This pipe-smoking player was greeted with dinner and a kiss from his subordinate wife the moment he stepped in the door. He kept a cool temper, even when son Wally got into shit with his goofball pal, Eddie Haskell. Ward’s pimp hand was rumored to be made of stone.

O-Dogcool 12 oDog

Caine’s sidekick in Menace II Society. America’s nightmare; young, black, and didn’t give a fuck. This cat has no qualms about murking two people within the first 3 minutes of the film. He hands out death sentences without hesitation throughout the course of a day. Other gangsters, convenience store clerks, gay crackheads…he’s quick to smoke anybody who offends him. This trait won’t get you very far in real life, but you must respect his conviction.

Elmer Keithcool3This famed hunter and gun writer was one cool cat. He wrote nine books, and contributed to Guns & Ammo magazine for years. Mr. Keith also played a role in creating a shit-ton of different wildcat rounds. His first major contribution, the .357 Magnum, was the result  of hand loading the .38 Special cartridge far beyond normally-accepted limits. He was also instrumental in the creation of the .44 Mag. During the war, he inspected rifles at the Ogden, Utah arsenal. Keith once shot and killed a mule deer at a range of 600 yards using his 6-1/2″ S&W 29. Sadly, Mr. Keith died in 1984. He never had a chance to team up with Chuck Norris and make the greatest movie ever.

 Hank Williams Jr. cool4Mr. Bo Cephus himself. This hell-raising hillbilly is the middle generation of a country music dynasty. His pot-smoking, whiskey-drinking ways have entertained America for years. (If interested, find the song “I Got Rights.” Hank describes buying a gun to kill a guilty man the system let go.)  I typically cringe at the sound of country music, but Hank makes it bearable.

Homer J. Simpsoncool7cool6cool5Perhaps the coolest character ever created. His devil-may-care attitude has inspired all of us to throw caution to the wind and live life to the fullest. This gun-toting father of three has told off his boss countless times, beat the shit out of an ex-President, and lives his life with reckless disregard. He’s bootlegged liquor during prohibition, blew up his church, and driven a co-worker to suicide. Homer lives his life the way we wish we all could.

Venomcool8There was nothing special about Daily Globe reporter Eddie Brock, until this bad-ass alien suit oozed onto him; he became cool. Neither Spider-Man nor the Punisher could kill him. Real talk, if I had this suit, I would probably let it drag me down Del Prado Blvd…killing shit for no reason. The ‘living thing’ essence of the suit was captured perfectly in Spider-Man 3.

Dagwood Bumsteadcool9Dagwood has it all; a hot wife, a good job, two loving children, and a sandwich named after him. But life isn’t perfect for Dagwood; he suffers from crippling depression, and sometimes lies comatose on the couch with his back to the world. The most likely reason for his sadness is the rut he’s in; daily collisions with his mailman, carpooling to work with his uptight coworkers, and constant abuse from his asshole boss, Mr. Dithers. When he does get some free time, Dagwood loves nothing more than enjoying a 10-story sandwich and taking a nap; maybe catching a game on TV. Often, his relaxation is cut short by Blondie, bugging him to do chores. He’s also disrupted by Elmo; the goofy neighbor boy who seems to lets himself into the Bumstead home. Dagwood’s dog Daisy seems to wait for him to lie down before indicating that she needs to be walked. Let that man rest!

Detective Andy Sippowiczcool10Ably played by Dennis Franz, this NYPD Blue first-grade homicide detective showed us what cops really are. Sippowicz was a drunk who frequently fell off the wagon. He was not a complete racist, but was certainly racially biased and set in his ways; crossing the line of acceptability on many occasions. Andy lost a few partners over the years, and had many chances to fire his gun in the line of duty. He called everybody a “skell” or “prick,” and was no stranger to beating smart-ass suspects during interrogations.  He did what any real man should do; bottle up all your emotional baggage and periodically let it explode.

Dick Tracycool11For a cop, this cat was pretty cool. He was good with the ladies and quick to pull a trigger. This no-nonsense lawman would probably just make a disapproving comment about “dope” if he caught you smoking herb; maybe tell you to put it out. Cops today would throw your ass in jail for a single cigar. I still have nightmares about the characters in the Dick Tracy movie…cool15

-KZ

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