Worst TV of the 1980’s

Posted on October 29, 2009

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Some of you are too young to remember the 80’s. The clothes were lame and the music sucked. Drug traffickers paid a lot less back then, and were able to operate without the headache of Homeland Security. I grew up on hair bands like Motley Crue, Guns N’ Roses, and Poison. This decade was also the whore mother of some of TV’s worst abortions. TV was bad back then, because nobody knew any better. 

Perfect Strangers:

The worst of the worst. This show starred a guy named Larry, who’s foriegn cousin Balki came to stay with him…Chicago I think. Cousin Larry was by far, the biggest douchebag in TV history. No wonder he couldn’t teach Balki to fit in. The show’s producers decided that if they threw in a couple of poofy-haired 80’s ladies, viewers would stop focusing on how gay the pair seemed. It didn’t. This show was arguably the worst thing on television; ever.80s 280s 3

80s 1

Family Ties:80s fam tiesHippies-turned successful parents raising their kids in Columbus, Ohio. This show was basically a cockring for conservative politics in the 1980’s. Oldest son Alex (Michael J. Fox) is a republican shill; proudly praising Richard Nixon. No matter what the issue was, he always found friction with his family.  Whether an episode was addressing drugs or dating, it always got preachy. Leave this one buried in the time capsule.

Golden Girls:80s golden giA group of elderly women gossiping, dating, and doing everything they probably shouldn’t, due to their ages. The show featured Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue Mclanahan, and Estelle Getty (Wendy’s “Where’s the Beef” lady) sharing a home in Miami. The only thing enjoyable was the off-hand delivery of some of these women’s insults. Maybe it’s just me, but foul-mouthed old ladies are funny. Estelle Getty as Sophia gets the nod on this one; her family was mafia in Sicily, and she knew what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.

Who’s The Boss? 80s who bossFormer baseball player moves his soon-to-be-hot daughter out of Brooklyn, to take a maid job for a woman in Fairfield, Conn. Antics ensue as the two families grow together. Ugh.  I can only think of two good things that came out of this show. The death of Tony Danza’s career, and her:80s who boss hot

Growing Pains:80s growing painsThis was a big show at the time; but in retrospect, I can’t figure out why. It chronicles the lives of the Seaver family of Long Island, NY. Dad’s a work-from-home shrink, and mom is a reporter. Despite solidifying their place in pop culture, things didn’t end so well for the Seaver kids; Kirk Cameron found God, Tracey Gold found anorexia, and Jeremy Miller found a stalker (an older man who threatened to rape him.) The only redeeming quality of this show was when anyone mentioned Mike’s friend, “Boner.” That makes for a hell of a drinking game.

Just the Ten of Us:just the ten of usThis one was a spin-off of Growing Pains. A Catholic high school basketball coach struggling to raise 8 kids. (It’s called ‘birth control’ people, learn about it!) Set in Eureka, California, this show was quick to disappoint on all levels. The silver lining came in the form of Coach Lubbock’s hot, jailbait teen daughters.

Alf:80s alf

I can’t believe this show ran as long as it did. Yes…a hand puppet had ratings. See how lame the 80’s really were? Here we find a friendly alien crashing into a family’s garage in Riverside, California. They take him in, and hide him from the military. Alf tries countless times to eat the family cat. I personally would have shot him in the head on sight, and sold the whole mess to the National Enquirer.

Punky Brewster:80s punkyAfter being abandoned by her mother (presumably for her fashion choices,) Penelope “Punky” Brewster goes to live with her foster father in Chicago. Antics ensue, and this young free spirit struggles her way through. She is eventually “officially” adopted. They addressed the 1986 Challenger space shuttle explosion, even having Buzz Aldrin. The show pretty much sucked all around. On a positive note, Punky grew up to be hot. Damn!80s punky hot

Small Wonder:small wonderThe show featured the Lawson family. Dad was a robotics engineer who secretly creates a robot modeled after a real human girl. They try to pass it off as their daughter. She lived in a cabinet in the son’s room. This robot girl attends school and makes adorable wisecracks while keeping the secret of her origins. I would hang myself if they ever brought this show back.

Born in 1978, I was young in the 80’s. I still remember the bad cartoons…

The Smurfs:80s smurfsThe Smurfs have the distinguished honor of of being one of the best, and worst, cartoons of the 80’s. They live in Smurf Village, sing, march, and work as a socialist society. They have occasional brushes with evil wizard Gargamel, and his hungry cat Azrael. The plot was always the same, and Smurfs always found ways to escape capture. After a while, it just got boring; you knew how it was going to end.

The Snorks:80s snorksThe Snorks were basically low-rent, knock-off Smurfs. They happened to live under water, and had suspicious appendages protruding from their foreheads. When a Snork became excited, their tube would make a “snork” sound. Even as a young child, this show could never keep my attention. Good taste.

Rainbow Brite:80s rainbow br

Little girls in the 1980’s were sorely in need of a creative character; instead, they got Rainbow Brite (thanks a lot, Hallmark!) She came in the form of a little orphan girl named Wisp; taken by an unknown force to the Colorless World. While searching for the Sphere of Light, she befriends a sprite name Twink, and a majestic white horse known as Starlite. Wisp rescues the seven Color Kids, and finds the Color Belt; which she needs to bring color to the land. After using it to defeat the King of Shadows, an evil hooded being renames her Rainbow Brite. She and the Color Kids live in Rainbow Land. They are now in charge of all the colors on Earth. If it were possible to control color, I would stomp this brat into a puddle of fingerpaint and take that damn belt.

Shows like this make me glad it’s not 1984 anymore, I’m not a little girl, and I never have to waste brain power on this topic again.

-KZ

KZ concepts LOGOKZ Concepts 2009 All Rights Reserved

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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