The Mullet Game

Posted on November 12, 2009

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The Mullet Gamemul4Mullets are undisputedly the worst hair style ever. This is a fact. Yet in our society, some people still insist on wearing them. Is it that they’re incredibly easy to maintain? Do you honestly think that looks cool? What is the appeal? I’ve come to break wearers of this attrocious style accident into several categories…

The Mullet-in-Training:mullet in trainingAsshole parents often start their children’s lives out with the trauma of a mullet. Kids are often too young to identify or even vocalize the problem, but they know something isn’t right about them. Children often end up residents of Mullet Town as their parents lazily wait for hair to grow; and a style to take over. Half-assed scissor cuts are often the culprit. Once a young mullet is detected, it is imperative to correct it immediately; even if this means shaving it. Otherwise, a child could end up here:mullet boyLook at that; leather jacket and all. This kid’s fashion-crippled parents have actually convinced him that he looks cool. A poofy do like this will get his ass kicked for him once school starts.

The Teen Mullet:mulletAholeKidLook at this fool; racing stripes. That quit being fly in ’89. If young children are allowed to progress through their formative years with mullets, they become what everybody hates; teenagers with mullets. Mullet-wearing often leads to delinquent behavior in juveniles, (and all-out “hellraising” in adults.) Some teen mullet-wearers habitually piss themselves out of embarassment and frustration.peed

The Meth Mullet:

meth mulletmethMullet2

Methamphetamine is ravaging our country right now. With it comes no shortage of people with mullets. Mugshot photographers and rehab centers are reporting record numbers at intake. Many of these offenders had bad hair to begin with, but for most, their bad mullet is a sign of their addiction. After four days awake on meth, who really wants to spend ‘sleep day’ socializing in a barber shop? These people just give up.

The Big-Shot Mullet:biz guy mulletA lot of cocaine-snorting sales guys end up sporting mullets like these. They cut the back just a little shorter, and get retail jobs; selling everything from home electronics to used cars. Their attitudes are condescending and agressive, reflecting only one thing: Sell Like Hell. They like having the option of cleaning up to fit in at work-related functions, but still enjoy bass fishing and beer drinking on the weekend. “He’s a big shot!”

The FeMullet:mulletRed“Dude, look at the mullet on that chick!” (Yeah, we say that…) Women with mullets both intrigue and disgust me. How could a woman see that haircut and say “Gimme that?” I’m guessing most were different styles and old perms that simply went bad over time. Poofy mullets like this one are generally an inbred biproduct occasional “touch ups” with sheep shears; and hair spray.

 Here are a few examples of the FeMullet.They can range from butch, to plain-jane, to sassy.

 

 butchMulletchick mullet2FeMullet

Women have made incredible progress in the mullet game. Chicks like Katie Couric and Hillary Clinton have spawned the “power mullet/femullet.” This no-nonsense do says all business.

 Couric mullethillary mullet

The Rare Meth FeMullet:meth feMulletMeth-user hair on a woman. Steer clear, fellas…she likely has an expensive habit, and a speed-freak man elsewhere. 

The Unintentional Mullet:unintentional mulletThis guy probably had long hair during the 1980’s, so it’s become normal. As he’s missed haircut appointments and current trends, he ened up with this haircut. People are typically too polite to say anything, so he continues to hit on random trim at the bar, thinking he has a real shot.

The High School Senior Pic Mullet:seniormulletProbably a redneck in his high school years, this guy didn’t realize that the mullet he was sporting as a high school senior would haunt him for the rest of his life. Hopefully by now, he’s come to his senses and gotten that wild badger faded.

The Good-Ol’-Boy Mullet:mul3Mullets originated with rednecks. The hair style says “court date” in the front, “hell-raising drug dealer”  in the back. These guys are known for petty, local police records, and low IQ scores. This type of mullet can be viewed frequently in rural areas and pickup truck windows.

The Teased Mullet:poofy mulletMullets like this are continually sprayed with hair spray and brushed. The result is a poofy mess that resembles a bad wig. With hair like this, any wig would only serve as an improvement. Also referred to as the “New Jersey Mullet.”

The Ghetto Mullet:ghetto mullet

Braids and cornrows often evolve into their own type of mullet. This one says, “thug” in the front, and “pretty boy” in the back. With braids, most wearers don’t realize that it’s actually a mullet. Trimming those pipe cleaners off the neck would solve the problem.

The Proud Mullet:proud mullet“Hello. I’m Michael Bolton’s son, Michael Bolton Jr. How do you do?” How could one wear this rat trap on their head and still muster up a smile? They’ve somehow grown proud of their hair style. They often jump into the mullet game to be ironic, and it ends up sticking. People like this may refer to their hair as their “mane.”

The College Drinker Mullet:ASShole mulletWe’ve all seen this mullet; often in bars, especially in college towns. They over-socialize, blow a week’s pay on liquor in one night, and pull pranks. They have simple, easy-to-remember names like “Skip” or “J.” People like this have no identity of their own, so they soak up the worst parts of the culture surrounding them.

The Dying Mullet: bald mulletAs imbalanced as a mullet is by definition, it’s possible to fall to extremes. While that hair keeps growing down your back, your grandfather’s traits are eradicating your hairline. You’re forehead is now huge. Shave it all; let the mullet die with some dignity.

The Dead Mullet:dead mulletAll good things have to come to an end. Some people just can’t let go. As they cling to the few hairs still attached, they don’t realize how bad their mullet’s look has become. The horseshoe-pattern bald spot and remaining ponytail are still a mullet; barely. Advice: shave it all. Face, head, neck… Cut that squirril of your neck and begin a new chapter of life.

Let’s be realistic; this haircut will not get you laid unless your ol’ lady has one too.matching mullets

-KZ

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