Dear Nature,

Posted on February 28, 2010


Dear Nature,

Where do you get off? People around the world have deemed you “Mother Nature.” You’re a real mother, alright.  Sure, we live in/on you; thanks for putting us up. But let’s not forget, sister, it’s a two-way street. Why does everyone put you on a pedestal? In all honesty, you’re a whiney, tempermental, indecicive bitch, with a real ugly side. Let’s reflect on you for a moment:


Your cheap showiness earns you a spot in everyone’s heart. This, however, is your only redeeming quality.  

 We all enjoy lounging lazily on a pristine beach. We enjoy escaping into the picturesque mountains. Being in these exotic locales only serves to take our minds off all the problems and ugly things amiss in the world. You fool us, Nature. Your pretty side blinds us to the ugly whore that you really are. Think about all the shit you shovel at our people on a daily basis:  


Your tempermental plate movements manifest themselves as violent volcanic eruptions. You try to kill us, burn our homes, and gain local news coverage for doing so. Your big ugly zits spew slow-moving lava; as if to say, “Go ahead, try to stop me.” Homeowners and insurance companies owe you a swift kick in the nuts for all the damage you’ve done. Keep your silly personal problems limited to happening underwater. Once this happens above sea level, it becomes OUR problem; and we don’t appreciate it.

 Earthquakes:Another menstral symptom of Nature is earthquakes. You recently swept the rug out from people in Chile, Asia, and worst of all, Haiti. How could you possibly murder nearly 300,000 of the world’s poorest people? Nature, I hate you for your earthquakes. The people of Haiti did nothing but live their lives, and make the most of what little they had. But no, that was not good enough for you. You destroyed their capital city, left a million people without homes, and many more dying thanks to disease and hunger. Fuck you, Nature. Haiti? Really? You couldn’t have targeted a few key Wall Street institutions? Tactless…

Hurricanes:Nature, you blow. Each summer, you grace our coasts with flash floods and 100+ mph-an-hour winds. You even have a season dedicated to these juvenile outbursts. You peel back aluminum siding, damage our pool cages, and level mobile home parks. How long until we as people decide that enough is enough? I watched in awe as you wrecked Homestead with Andrew and Punta Gorda with Charley. Then came the unthinkable; New Orleans. In a city filled with struggling people, you breezed into town and ruined things. Nature, I’d tell you to go to hell, if I didn’t think parts of you WERE hell. You typically bring rain, surging flood water, high winds, and downed power lines. We sit glued to TV news, watching half-assed reporters speculate where you’ll make landfall. You threatened Florida before, and decided to drive all the way north. Dumbass, you hit Canada…then doubled back and hit it again! Unless your job IS to destroy our communities, you suck at what you do. 

Wildfires:Fix your face, Nature. Patches of your surface burn out of control. You seem unable to regulate yourself. You sit back and give up a few acres, while brave firefighters and volunteers battle blazes to save lives and property. I don’t know…if my face were on fire, I like to think that I’d take some step to remedy the situation. Are you fucking stupid or just lazy?

Blizzards:Right now, you pummel the Northeastern United States with back-to-back-to-back blizzards. Hurricane-force winds bury our Capital. Kids in Cleveland can’t go to school. New York, the business leader of the free world, has been brought to a standstill. Enough already! You have made your point. You just had to prove Al Gore wrong; mission accomplished. Now, could you let our people get along with their lives? We’d better have a damn beautiful Spring this year Nature, or I’m coming for YOU… 

 Tornados:Occasionally, you pull a funnel cloud out of your ass, and unleash it in the worst possible place. You clearly have no respect for our homes, work routines, or traffic lights. Just plow down Main Street, huh? If it was possible, I would scale that cloud with a sharp blade and slit your throat. You especially seem to enjoy bullying Texas and Oklahoma. Trust me Nature, those aren’t exactly the people you wanna piss off…fuck around and get shot! 

Floods:Oh, come on now, Nature! Are you going to help fish these cars out? You did bury them. Did you bother to see if there were people inside them first? Of course not; you’re a thoughtless pig. We blame ourselves for littering, for something as simple as dropping a gum wrapper. You strand totaled cars in your own rivers!  You know I spell Nature with a “B.”

Tsunamis:Oh yes, the curse you typically bestow on Asian nations; besides Godzilla attacks. You aim to destroy a cultured, productive people; along with their inventive architecture and delicious food. You are a racist, Nature. Toyotas malfunction? It’s your fault. Their computers spam the world? Also your fault. How can people in tsunami-plagued regions get things done, without constantly worrying that you’ll show your ugly face unannounced?At least in SimEarth, we could choose when and where disaster strikes…

Nature: The FRAUD

You sell yourself as a beautiful place to live; worthy of God-like worship. But what are we praising? The countless dead animals that polka-dot your surface? Corpses pile up on our roadways, while you sit back with your feet up, waiting for things to break down on their own. We have to spend a LOT of tax dollars to keep roadkill crews working. I don’t know if you need to shine your sun brighter, or spawn more animals to eat the dead here; but do something!

Don’t get me wrong, Nature…I love you. I do! I just feel like maybe we, the individuals, guilt ourselves a bit too much over things that you do; or fail to do.Just look at this mess. Sure, the people of India “created” it, but come on, help us out! We’re swimming in our own byproducts here! Flush your Heavenly toilet so to speak; cause a mudslide in the middle of nowhere. An actual bottomless pit; somewhere for India to toss all of it’s used diapers and obsolete computer peripherals. Together we can make this work! They don’t enjoy wading knee-deep in this shit. Why do you think some people have no qualms about say, burying a dead body in you? Besides being a really easy way to dispose of a body, some might view it as just contributing a single piece of garbage to an already out-of-control problem. Wrong, I know. But at least they don’t use dangerous chemicals like Draino to solve the problem. They are planting something ‘organic.’Until a new, better, steel-framed planet opens up, I guess we’re stuck with each other. It seems so pointless that workers bulldoze your Rain Forest. It’s beautiful, contains cool, creepy animals we’ve never seen, and probably cures for all the diseases that haunt us today. Corporations exploit it, others rally to stop it. I don’t advocate burning you down or harvesting you beyond necessity…but damn! Nature, why haven’t you shared it with us all these years? It’s kinda like that secret weed stash your cousin keeps in the back of his closet. We don’t want to take it all, and we don’t wanna flush it down the toilet. Be cool, Nature…let us pinch one bud?Let’s face it: there’s always going to be some asshole who discards caustic things in an irresponsible manner. These jerks only need to be embarassed once in a group, and they regulate themselves. Who has the balls, resources, and discipline to take on the business conglomerates that murder you an acre at a time? College kids smoking pot and eating vegan at a protest isn’t getting enough done. They grow lazy and selective about their causes. For your sake and mine, Nature…things need to change now.If anyone would like to help save you, Nature, they are urged to contact one of these fine organizations:

Obviously, it would be best if they volunteer. If they’re too busy (or worthless) to actually get involved, they should send money. I’m sure these dedicated groups will find some way to help you with it. I’ll cut it short, since you’re obviously in the process of throwing a huge weather rebellion.

You stay classy, Mother Nature! 😉 




Posted in: Uncategorized