KZ Speaks the Truth-ish

Posted on August 27, 2010


Explore your Wormhole?Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman: This show explores the origins of life, the possibility of time travel, as well as the physics of our galaxy. This is actually a pretty clever show, and Freeman makes it all the more pleasant (while he is “just” an actor, I still think he seems more Presidential than a Rolex.) On the topic of time travel: Even if time travel were possible, would we would only be able to go back to when the machine was created? This seems like an old NOVA show or something.  Freeman’s narration neatly packages cheesy graphics, unanswerable questions, and endless possibilities into an hour-long adventure. Normally, TV execs would eviscerate themselves before pitching a show about Einstein/geek/science in earshot of their peers; but this show works. I’m told that there are few things better than tuning out the world, introducing some sticky bud to the equation, and pondering our origins. By the show’s end, no matter how insignificant you may feel, you’re heavily stoned and ready for bed; win-freakin’-win. 

Political Cluster-Eff!

I have bit my tongue for so long now. As our oceans fill up with toxic oil, politicians openly cheat and shit-talk, I have kept my nasty opinion to myself. I just have to vent before I find myself in a standoff with a SWAT team somewhere…Let’s see, what does cable news have to say? We have pundits from all sides taking shots at one another. MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann slams Fox’s Glenn Beck nightly. Man, Beck gives him so many good reasons to do so. Rush Limbaugh offends everybody but his golf buddies. These people are merely mental foreplay for the real action; politicians. Joe “I’m a Tad Better than Palin Would Have Been” Biden frequently swears in TV interviews now. Not that I keep it rated fucking “PG,” but Joe, you represent us all. Show some pride! You seem to think that you come off as a straight-shooter; sort of. While a few swears and from-the-hip responses may appear down-to earth, you strike the average American as a guy trying too hard.  

By the time I get to Arizona…The state of Arizona passes a law that allows police to detain people, requiring documentation of American citizenship. Didn’t they try that policy in Nazi Germany…and it didn’t fly? It chaps my ass to know that people are sneaking into America, but immigration has to happen. Is a police state really going to “solve” anything? I understand that “not” profiling Hispanics in Arizona may seem like a sure-fire method for catching illegal aliens. This is nothing more than a slippery slope toward national ID cards.

Are you kidding me? NASA is said to be attempting to build relations with Muslim nations. We brutalize and stomp around in their region, but we really just want to be friends with them, right? I won’t even make the obvious ‘space shuttle car bomb’ joke, but it’s not a good idea. Does our government really want to help other nations put defense and spy satellites in orbit? Even if they don’t use the science lesson against us, why waste our time and resources doing so? Is this really the time? We are still fighting a war over there, you know…If we really want to win these people over, why not just stop controlling them? Like an awkward series of pick-up lines, our current approach isn’t working. Don’t try, try again; know when to give up and walk away.

I’ll pistol whip the next person who refers to Lindsay Lohan as “LILO.”By now, one would think that genuine news outlets would be able to differentiate between actual “NEWS” and celebrity gossip. Extended coverage of Lindsay Lohan’s most recent court date is called news. While she is touted as an out-of-control young celebrity, is this event really important enough to discuss rather than say, the millions of gallons of crude oil slowly killing our planet? This afternoon, MSNBC pointed out many times that Lindsay had “Fuck You” written on her middle fingernail in court. Who the hell cares? She’s been in a few movies; does it really matter to other viewers how this chick carries herself in the course of her day? If a two-time offender named Tyrone in Detroit violated his parole, would MSNBC feel obligated to announce breaking news, and cut away to Tyrone in court? Hell no. News outlets, please, leave the trash TV thing to TMZ. They pride themselves on simply covering desperate celebrity status. There is no reason I should be reading Lebron James’ tweets and Obama/McChrystal/Petreus updates in the same block of programming.

Speaking of King Lebron…After months of anticipation, we finally found out where Akron’s cousin will play next season. His recent plunge into the world of Twitter should have been enough to make an announcement, yes? The guy gained 220,000+ followers in a day. The entire world would know within an hour. If that were not enough, he could have had the NBA announce it. He could have posted it on his website. If that wasn’t enough, he could have done a simple 3 minute TV interview. Oh no…not for a King.

 Real talk: Just me to Lebron personally: Dog, quit believing the hype. You’re just one man. You grew up where I did, we played ball in the same areas, and my family went to St. V. Stay grounded. The average fan is so sick of you excessively biding your time. Obviously you knew where you were going. I’m not sure if it was your idea or IMG’s, but a special announcement show on ESPN? Have you lost touch? I hate to play the MJ card, but even with all those Championship WINS, Mike wouldn’t have played himself like this. He would have made a dignified announcement. Just get it over with. We’d have all been so happy if you had stayed in Cleveland, but at what cost? I refused to kiss your ass to keep you here. Between the “We Are The World” remake by Cleveland’s elite, Akron’s “Please Stay” rally, etc…I’m a bit sick of you! When you left the way you did, you bruised Ohio’s pride and ego. I would understand you had gone with the Knicks or the Nets (but only if they move to Brooklyn.) I hope you get your rings; but stop playing yourself. Despite the delayed damage control in Akron, you betrayed a lot of people’s feelings. I would not want to be you when it came time to show your face at the Q again. The proverbial band-aid may be torn off now, but that anger is just quietly brewing in people now. There are going to be some Cavs fans that will expect an answer when they get you face-to-face.

Nathan’s Foot-Long Deep Throat Contest:Nathan’s hot dog eating contest. In itself, competitive eating is gross. I have no interest in it, and staged drama only further cheapens the “sport.” Japan’s Kobiyashi made an international ass of himself by rushing the stage and getting himself arrested. To authenticate the bogus nature of the incident, the guy wore a “Free Kobi” shirt during the incident. What a tool; play by the rules, or don’t play. Start your own competitive eating league. This tripe doesn’t belong on news stations; keep this nonsense on Youtube or Maury.

Sunday Thought…

Hands down, The Boondocks is the best show on TV. This show approaches racism in a way that actually heals the gap between black and white. The “Friday” references discreetly paw at select minds. Every character on the well-rounded cast has a specific role. They all represent stereotypes of different kinds of people that can be found in any city in America.

My jaw hits the floor anytime Uncle Ruckus speaks. Best character was Thugnificent (before he went broke.)

Michael Hitler or Adolph Jordan?

Does Michael Jordan have a little Hitler moustache? It can be viewed on the Hanes commercials. It’s the one on the plane where they explain the competition’s shirt’s tendency to “bacon.” MJ is a personal hero of mine, but why on earth would he wear his face like that?

Pepsico World Order?

Most of us get our water from the government via water departments/pipes, right? Our nation is getting fatter. Soon, a large part of the population will be diabetic, thanks to Pop Tarts, soda, and fried foods. I’m a bit of a conspiracy nut; well, at least a cynical guy who tries to read ‘through’ media headlines. I believe that some element somewhere (Bilderberg/secret society/Freemason/shadow government/current Administration/whatever) is actively engaged in population control. Whether by weather manipulation/2012/Denver Airport underground cities (Google it)/whatever. To ease the strain felt by the system, why not just have the government sell special filters that convert our tap water into delicious carbonated soda? I’d give my left foot if I would press a button and swig Mountain Dew from the faucet.

General Gripes

It’s been a while, so here are a few things that really piss me off. Doesn’t seem very important, but we may just share an opinion or two. Here goes…

Chipotle: For the uninitiated, Chipotle is the yuppie, high-end college kid’s version of Taco Bell. I have only been to Chipotle once; and I didn’t eat. I stopped in with a hungry friend, and couldn’t bring myself to pay five dollars for a simple burrito. Bitch, this is 89-cents at Taco Bell. You are mighty full of yourself. The food comes wrapped in foil like it just came off the roach coach. It was a good thing I passed on ordering. When we got back to my house, my buddy wolfed down his burrito. Not ten minutes later, he asked if he could use my bathroom. That man was in my bathroom three times within the next hour, costing me 1/3 can of Glade, an increase in my water bill, and an entire roll of toilet paper. Damn you, Chipotle. Keep feeding and irritating the guts of over-accumulators of wealth. I’ll go for a Nacho Bel Grande and some Volcano Tacos any day.

The Gulf oil spill: After the initial finger-pointing, it was apparently decided that this was BP’s oil spill. Newsflash Halliburton and Trans Atlantic: it is everyone’s problem now. It was shameless how it took days to even figure out who to blame; meanwhile oil was spewing into the Gulf. Your CEOs appeared on the news in an effort to alleviate their respective companies’ liability. Cover your ass, right? Fine. So now, it’s BP’s mess. They tried placing a dome over it, replacing the pipe, dumping toxic chemicals in the gulf, burning it, filling it with junk and mud, and none of it worked. Honestly, why did you think golf balls would solve the problem? Today, they are trying to use a robot with diamond-tipped saws to cut the problem away. The blade got stuck in the pipe. You bastards are incompetent. Don’t bother asking me to fix it; I don’t have billions of dollars at my disposal. Why not build a huge steel disk, center it, and bury an area of ocean floor the size of a football field around the leak? At least that would contain it for now; while you work to figure out an actual long-term solution. It’s a sad day when a four-time college dropout has better ideas than people in charge. President Obama sat back and watched when this first happened, presumably trying to let the oil companies fix their own mess. When it became evident, Mr. Obama publicly declared that he would be our savior. Now, he beats his chest at news conferences daily about getting the job done. Meanwhile, millions of gallons of crude oil have filled the Gulf of Mexico. Obama, if you really want to fix it, go fix it. Having people get the job done isn’t getting the job done. I want to see you put on a wetsuit, strap on a tank and a caulk gun, clench a dive knife in your teeth, and go do the job. Can the worthless speeches and handle it yourself. You’re too busy hanging out with celebrities and basketball players. Meanwhile, our country is slowly dying.

TV news: Standards for delivering daily news have gone downhill dramatically. I think back to a time when we had Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, and Barbara Walters informing the masses. At least they tried to maintain appearances regarding professionalism and integrity. These people were icons in their chosen profession. Today, we have a whole new breed of anchors. In national news shows, we have Brian Williams and Katie Couric. These two have been carefully groomed for the task at hand.Bless them, they try. They have big shoes to fill, yet still end up having to stuff a wad of toilet paper in the proverbial toe to get the job done. Next comes the second-tier, talk news cable shows; MSNBC, CNN, etc. Talking heads subtly spewing the views of their handlers. Throughout the day, they rehash the day’s events offering slight updates. Numbers and statistics fluctuate wildly with no explanation or corrections. Watch three different broadcasts on three networks, and you just might hear three different counts of death tolls in the latest natural disaster or terrorist attack. As we trickle down lower on the rungs of journalism, we reach local news. (Roll up your pants, for we are truly in the sewer now.)The exception to crappy news policy  is MSNBC’s Savannah Gutherie; just gorgeous.

Fire Safe Cigarettes:

The CDC concludes that cigarettes in the United States contain many more toxic substances than those of other countries. Shocking. Can we say “Population Reduction Act of 2010?” While on the campaign trail, President Obama was photographed smoking cigarettes. When people criticized him for it, the President claimed to have quit. Within the past two months, the results of the President’s most recent medical check-up were released. The President was told that he should start enjoying alcohol in moderation and STOP smoking. So…he didn’t quit? I guess he just stopped getting photographed doing so in public. Once in office, tobacco taxes went up a buck; hypocrisy at its purest. Next, it was mandated that cigarettes were just causing too many fires. The solution was to add strips of carpet glue to the paper. This glue adds a copper taste to all cigarettes, and causes severe coughing spells that didn’t necessarily occur with regular (non-glue-filled) cigarettes. The idea is that if a cancer stick isn’t being actively smoked when the burn line reaches one of these strips, it puts itself out. This was a good idea with poor execution. While less people may be passing out drunk and burning small holes in their bed sheets, more people are now being injured as a result. These new cigarettes ash in splinters, rather than a traditional column. This allows for loose, hot particles to become airborne and land anywhere. I personally have had burnt hands, specks of ash leaving tiny burns on my forehead, etc. Also, crushing out a cigarette results in an orange ball burns for five minutes in an ashtray. As a smoker, my taxes fund countless public projects; most of which I am forbidden from smoking in. I never saw myself as a crusader for big tobacco, but the way the system is set up, smokers pay with cash and their lives for the government to grow. This makes me want to plant a tobacco garden and do it myself. Wait, they would tax me for that, wouldn’t they?I’ll bet the President doesn’t have to smoke glue sticks…

Pet hair: I’m a dog person (cats, not so much.) There is nothing better than the excitement and appreciation that a pet dog exhibits when you arrive home after a long day. My problem comes with an unfortunate byproduct; loose pet hair. Dogs, you bitches need to learn how to groom yourselves. I’m sick of sitting on the couch and finding your damn hairs sticking to my face. When I stand up, it looks like I am wearing a fur vest. Why should I have to repeatedly brush my clothing throughout the day? You know your punk ass isn’t allowed on the furniture anyways! I’m prepared to pay neighborhood kids to shave you completely. They already want to; good prank. Where would your fate lie if I gave them the green light? You would be some bald bitches. When your hair builds up in balls in the corners, grow some opposable thumbs and put that shit in the garbage! Is that so much to ask? When I shave, I don’t ask you to go clean the sink for me. Be considerate.

The grill that burned me: I was grilling some skewered shrimp tonight. The light illuminating the area was on a timer. I had just opened the lid to move the skewers around when the light flickered and grew dim. I knew that I was racing the clock to flip them all before I was engulfed in darkness. Being extremely goal-oriented, I was determined to get them all. I had two to go when the light cut out completely. I was holding the grill lid with one hand, and reaching into the heat with the other. Somehow, I managed to flip all the shrimp. Now quite proud of myself, I focused my attention on the lid in my left hand (and returning it to the grill.) Without realizing it, my right hand immediately gravitated towards one of the handles protruding from the grill surface. Suddenly, the lid seemed much less relevant. I turned my attention to my now-burnt thumb. I had a slight discomfort on one spot; right on the first digit, where the thumb meets the rest of my gorgeous hand. I was pissed. My first thought was to kick this son-of-a-bitch down the stairs. The thought passed when I realized the dogs were outside. There was no reason to bring them into this; it was between me and the grill. The most logical thing to do would have been to bang it out of shape with a hammer, douse its soul with the hose, and sell its sorry ass on Craigslist. I had a much more grim fate planned out for this grill. My time machine is in the shop at the moment, so going back to strike it from existence would be out of the question. Or was it? My next move was to call and invite ten friends over; strength in numbers. Only five of them showed; but it was still enough people to start a class action lawsuit. I threw on some music and put out some cold finger food to keep everybody preoccupied. Little did they know, they were all pawns in my pursuit of revenge. One by one, I invited them to the grill. As each admired my new “lawn ornament,” I forced their hands or faces onto a hot surface.Now there were six of us with burns, ranging from severe to not really much of a burn at all. I’d opted not to give out Vicodin as party favors, so all those seared nerve endings were leading to some pretty nasty tempers. Nothing pisses people off like being burnt needlessly. Kind of a shitty thing to do to friends, but now they felt how I did; they worked for me now. 

Don’t like something I’ve said? Go fuck your dead mother. Kill me or let it go. Either way, I would appreciate an e-mail. It is always important to precisely articulate one’s feelings. /twitter/Facebook/Linkedin/Digg/Foursquare/Tagged/eGenki/Wordpress/many more…




Posted in: Uncategorized