Urban Football?

Posted on October 1, 2010



Urban FootballI just finished watching the Cleveland Browns game. It’s only preseason, but they’ve already racked up a few wins. Despite wide-lefting a semi-critical field goal attempt before halftime, Dawson is our secret weapon this season. Coaching changes are apparent, too; far better. Skip ahead three weeks, and we find ourselves without a single regular-season win. It’s sad that I’m concerned about them losing to the Bengals this weekend. Hmmm. You expect to sell tickets; people shelling out cash to stand in the snow and watch the Browns lose? Not a solid business plan.

Enough about that; let’s get down to business. You wanna put asses in the seats?I enjoy the National Football League as much as anyone else, but I believe that there is still room for improvement. I propose a few rule and condition changes that would be sure to boost interest/ticket sales/viewers… 

Uniforms:Players are currently wearing tight-fitting outfits that allow for speed/flexibility/mobility. Let’s face it; this isn’t real-life conditions. Make football REAL. During cold-weather games, players should be made to wear hoodies/parkas/gloves. Official team merchandise would be durability-tested in real conditions. New York and New Jersey franchises can get Timberland to make some custom cleat/boots. Imagine how fun it would be to watch players drag each other to the ground by their hoods. People would be easier to grab; movement impeded by the baggy clothing. Call it Casual Season.

Turf Changes:Only pussies need grass or turf to tackle each other in. I say play on concrete. That would certainly separate the boys from the men. Play on a sand lot! Gravel, pot holes, patches of black ice, and rubber chips (shredded tires like at playgrounds) might be cool, too. Mix and match or reveal the week’s dangerous field condition right before the game begins. Nothing says, “Stay on your game!” like partially-buried cinder blocks. Reserve broken glass for the Super Bowl.  THAT is entertainment.

Helmet Optional:Got a tight fade and new three carat earrings to show off? Be a man and opt to play with no helmet. While it would make the average NFL career much shorter, think of the faces you could make when your touchdown celebration airs on SportsCenter. Some things are just easier without a helmet.The league decides that like riding a motorcycle, you should have the final say in whether or not you wear a helmet. Since you would no longer be bound by consistent/boring/cumbersome head gear, you are now free to choose what you wear! From a Kangol or a New Era to a beanie or a top hat; the more fashion-concerned/oriented players have many choices available. Guys could run around with ski masks on (how intimidating would that be; every face on the opposing team wearing ski masks. That would be unnerving/morale-draining/fear-inducing.  

The Rooster Rule:  Why do football games never have animals? Does the NFL have something against them? Construct a 3-foot wall around the perimeter of the field. When the game starts, one rooster for each player (with corosponding number) is released on the field. Chaos! Playing under pressure would be trying not to step on a bird while the defensive line rushes you. For the degenerate gamblers, bookmakers could take odds on which chickens live and die. PETA would surely protest, but hey, they have to PAY to get inside to do so… Free Liquor Shots:Waitresses should walk around with trays of liquor. Sell it in commemorative shotglasses, charge an arm and a leg, and watch how festive those fans get. Sure, fights and drunk-driving accidents as games let out would skyrocket; but so would the league’s revenues! It isn’t the NFL’s job to keep us from getting drunk. Every man and woman make their own decisions. My decision would be to throw five shots and hurl the shotglasses at opposing team’s players on the field.

Clear boundaries:Concertina wire strung along the sidelines would sure keep people super aware of their impending fall out of bounds. To avoid being tangled and bloody, I believe these star athletes would display superhuman ability to NOT get knocked out of bounds. This would also help deter the occasional wackadoo from streaking on the field. 

 New BallIn order to calm PETA’s anger over the “Rooster Rule,” footballs will no longer be made from pigskin. They will now be a rubber-coated aluminum shell. Inside are heating elements (to occasionally make the ball nearly impossible to hold,) and jets that coat the outer ball with lubricant from time to time. When heated, the ball will reach around 150 degrees. Don’t be shocked if players all start wearing the OveGlove.Got more suggestions to spice up the game?

Send them to me; I’ll update this proposal and give you credit.




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