“Step your game up, Twitter!”

Posted on February 19, 2012

Step Your Game Up, Twitter!


Twitter needs a facelift; and it has nothing to do with alien-interface “New Twitter” (essentially a confusing layout for an already perfectly-functional Twitter.) No, the overhaul lies in Twitter’s users. Straight up folks, some of you are living foul on Twitter. Before you put even one more #Lame tweet on your timeline, consider the following:

Get out of here; are you kidding me!? Really, who’s taking part in this? Covering your public timeline with nasty hypothetical sex talk for random skanks and dudes you’ve never met? Take your cheap ass back to calling 900-numbers; or polluting Yahoo chats. Some of us are here to do business. Mama should have never bought your young ass an iPhone.

Recently, this has been one of the most-used phrases to describe something hot on Twitter. This term was seemingly spawned by rappers in Memphis/Atlanta/Texas. I took it a step further, coining the term #HamJuice, and @therealjuicyj spawned #OffTheMeatRack. Going ham should only be used to describe a great new hook, a live club performance, or something completely brand-new with potential. If you are a #TwitterRapper living in your mom’s house, lying about smoking kush and spitting a few lines to yourself in the bathroom mirror isn’t “Going Ham.”

“Whatever!” There are some phrases common to Twitter that simply need to be buried in the same graveyard as “Def.” Do you know someone who still says “Hotlanta?” Do they caution you not to “go there” while inviting you to “talk to the hand?” These people are the rare percentage of the population who never get the memos about the discontinuation of words. They need hip, cutting-edge people like us to_tell_them when it has become uncool to say certain things. Did you know that in certain parts of Florida and Missouri, people are actually still clinging to “.38-Hot” and “off the chain?” We must seek to identify, coach, and monitor these people. With our own fingers luckily on the real-time pulse of society, we bear the responsibility of keeping the verbal oafs somewhat up to speed. You don’t have to give them brand-new slang, as them using it quickly makes it lame. Just call them out on wack phrases and maybe drop a new one for them to pick up on. While you’re at it, let them know that we don’t wear Tweety Bird shirts anymore; not since early 1993.

Mr. West is the silent entity in the sky. Kanye reportedly doesn’t use a phone and has no “e-mail Kanye” tab on his website. If you have brilliant art/sharp lyrics/regal beats, you may develop the recurring urge to submit interesting things to @kanyewest on Twitter. Good luck. With his current two million followers, you are firing shots into a blank sky. Kanye obviously realizes how big his name is right now; remaining elusive keeps fans wondering and hungry for more. Every few days, Yeezy will release one random blurb. The man is so “in-demand” right now, simple Twitter users couldn’t hope to access his attention for 30 seconds.
Signed, the future head of G.O.O.D. Art. 😉

If you have something negative to post about someone for the entire world to see, don’t you think they at least deserve a copy of your comments as well? Many users resort to jawing like crazy about an artist/situation/beef without mentioning their target by @UserName. This is the coward’s way of saying it for a crowd, without having to face the consequences. If you don’t have anything nice to say (and are too much of a bitch to back up your claim,) just don’t post. #YouLose points without even realizing it.

I only recently learned about Twitter Jail. Apparently, if you tweet more than 100 times in a day (or 1,000 times in a week,) Twitter recognizes your addiction and cuts you off. I don’t recall ever hitting that mark, but I’m sure I’ve come close. My Twitter floods have been results of day-long marketing campaigns. If you are getting #TwitterJail sentences for chatting & sending LOL’s at your friends all day, perhaps you SHOULD be kicked off to do something else. Be Productive!

Twenty people in a bar is not a movie; neither is a Saturday at the mall or a packed Denny’s at 2 a.m. I’m sure @TheRealDJKhaled does see many surreal, movie-material nights, but most of you don’t. Yet you still see it necessary to boast to complete strangers that you are living a legendary life. Who are you trying to convince that you’re indeed interesting? I’ve read your timeline. I have deducted that you are 18, bored at home, and mom’s making meatloaf. Here we are an hour later, and you’re flossing a lemonade chain at the club. Player, Superman couldn’t change like that! Find good things will come.

Some folks recognize the pathetic nature of their tweet and rightfully label it with the #LonelyTweet tag. Others get spotted and called out. If you’re sad enough to be posting reckless to the world, why don’t you go to a dating site instead? Match.com has you covered, and they’ll only show it to other lonely people. No sense in embarrassing yourself on your company’s Twitter account…

This one is funny when applied correctly, but must be replied within 60 seconds of the original post for maximum effectiveness. Example: “Throwing dirty money at @JayZs mouth in VIP wearing white tube socks and a tennis ball green ostrich feather parka!” #KillYoSelf! The only downside is, if you accidentally drop it on a suicidal kid with a bottle of Xanax, you risk becoming a jailed cyber bully.

Relates to what you’ve got playing; usually music, but occasionally applies to gamers. If you don’t subtweet, this is a subtle way of letting an artist know that you are currently appreciating their music. It also lets friends and followers know another little thing about you; “Oh, he listens to Camouflage “Keepin’ it Real” in his spare time?” #RIPCamo

Since a lot of people know who they are, some heavily-followed celebrities have refused to tweet until their fans pony up a pre-determined amount of cash for their cause of choice. This strikes me as a disgusting use of influence. Fine; it’s for charity? Cool; but that’s the only good part. When classless TV stars (who are less intelligent than you and I) threaten to cut off their bland rants unless you give money to their friends, use your “Unfollow” button immediately. Only a fan backlash can make them realize that people don’t like this side of them. Remember, without his million of followers, @aplusk would just be one of those guys from “That ’70’s Show.”

Sometimes an action or comment has the power to make you stop in your tracks; #Pause applies. It’s a clever tag, but be warned: it gets over-used quickly. Only #Pause when it actually happens.

Always apply this mentally to anything you post. If you tweet that you are having an ice cream cone and feeding ducks in the park, guess what? No one gives a shit! It is always better to rewrite a lame post before sending than to have @gleamsatm and @OfficiallyIce (not an asshole) embarrass you with it.

#SelfSnitch Tweets
People seem to love using Twitter to confess their recent or current sins.I have seen countless crimes and affairs aired out here. Worse, Foursquare users also share an insane desire to inform a disinterested public where they are every second of the day. You should just march into a government office and ask for a microchip implant. Really, people can’t wait until you get home to hear where you got a cup of coffee from? “Got whipped cream and chocolate!” You had to check in from right there in Starbucks? Scroll back to #KillYoSelf…


I don’t bother much with #FollowBack/#TeamFollow/#FollowFriday trends. They don’t bring about any major follows; they just flood your current follower’s screen with endless usernames that you think they should follow. If you’re on Twitter just to see how many followers you can get, you’re here for the wrong reason. My follows come few at a time; if they seem interesting/are a mutual friend of a follower/not spam, they get a follow back. Buying follows is a most pathetic trend. Do you buy real-life friends and dates, too? That’s loser talk. Earn your friendship the old fashioned way; good conversation/quality content/mutual interests.

The world is much smaller than it seems. Just because they don’t shout you out doesn’t mean they don’t know who you are. Comments made on Twitter don’t fall on deaf ears: they reach people that will eventually recognize you and pay it back if need be. Live on Twitter like you would if these people showed up at your door. Don’t be phony or lie about who you are. Don’t make up success. Don’t hate people who do well. Post quality content that will make people want to hear what you have to say.



(This piece originally appeared in the Super Bowl 2011 edition of Cosign Magazine.)


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